i invited you in.
i invited you in, and to my surprise
you broke me down.
you broke me down
again and again and again.
you broke me down until i was a formless thing with no boundaries
nothing to keep my being from leaking out of me and into the world
and so much of me drained out until i could no longer recognize myself or my reality.
i remember that night
floating in the void
planted there like a seed
my roots growing
down, down, down,
into the darkest recesses of the earth and the collective
feeling it all, the deepest pain of being.
knowing this is what i came here for but not wanting it anymore
because it hurts too much
and any sense of self is gone and there is only pain and fear and confusion
swirling together in an infinite formless dark.
but it doesn't matter now that i don't want it because
- there is nowhere else to go -
the only way out is through.
and so i move through it and i feel it and i go about my days
and i see the sickness in their eyes, and i see the sickness in my eyes when i look in the mirror,
and for a long time it feels like none of us will ever get better, like we're too far gone.
for a long time i hate myself for ever wanting this, for ever wanting you
i wish i could have stayed a secretary
could have stayed blind;
go to work, watch tv, rinse, repeat.
but beneath it all, even through the pain and the dark, i trust you.
and i love you.
and i continue on your path even though i can't see where i'm going.
and when i'm finally emptied out of all the things i thought i was
you start to fill me up
with who i am
and i'm so grateful that i stayed
because now i can see the world clearly,
and it's all more beautiful than i could have possibly imagined.