i walk out of class because i need to cry i cant take this i need to cry
i was reading about v-coding which is:
"the practice of assigning trans women in men's prisons to aggressive cis male cellmates as a means of placation and reward" and
these women are made to play the part of a wife and
they are often raped daily and
im sick to my stomach
because trump signed another executive order today and
he keeps signing more
they are all resembling project 2025 and
a goal of project 2025 is to classify trans ppl as porn and
then make porn illegal so they can put us in prison and
i'm just sitting in class and making art as the fascist state gets closer and closer and
no one is talking about it we all just say "politics these days" or "things sure are rough"
but we're not talking about the practical and tangible effects
that could be at my doorstep any day now
my life has become fundamentally unstable in this way and
they could come for me any day now and
how can i just be sitting here while this is happening and
this is going to happen to me isn't it i'm going to go to jail and
be a wife for a prisoner and
i'll get raped every day and
they'll put me in solitary if i try to resist and they'll strip search me and make me dance and masturbate
(a common practice by correctional officers)
and i'm walking to the bathroom and i feel sick to my stomach and
on top of it all i still have the absolutely fucking mundane problem
that she doesn't love me like that and
she doesn't want to be with me and
i'm in the men's room in the stall because
i'm still too scared to use the womens because
even though the signs outside say "gender identity is welcome here"
i don't feel welcome and
i still get dirty looks all the time and
im curled up in a ball and i'm crying and
sick to my stomach thinking about my inevitable prison marriage and
thinking about how i'll never get to hold her like i thought i would and
god damn it because i thought things were going well but
i just misread it again and
what's more real? what's more tangible? what am i more upset about?
unrequited love or fear of prison rape
i don't really know what hurts worse right now.
and yet, i'm grateful for it all.
to have a body and to have emotions and to feel all of this i feel so alive.
i feel so human.
i'm grateful to be alive and feeling pain and love and heartbreak and fear.
i sit with the pain and the discomfort and i don't push it away, i give it a home.
i go to the bathroom in the part of the building where no one goes so i can be alone to cry.
and i cry.
and i write my poem.
i don't know if i feel better but i feel
peace
now that it's out on the page and
maybe other people will see it and
feel a little bit of what i'm going through and
maybe someone will read this and
understand that we need help
we need to help each other
we need to hold each other and
protect each and
care for each other and
provide for each other and
this is how we
live
this is how we
survive
this is how we
thrive